I am pretty sure I heard a conversation I wasn’t supposed to.

Tyler: Hey Jessie this is tyler

Me: Hey. Really, how difficult is it to learn how to spell my name?

Tyler: Look i wanted to apologize, I’ve said some mean things about you (mainly for jokes) which you may or man not know about but either way I’m sorry.

Me: What did you say? What problems could you possibly have with me that make you feel the need to be mean? Even for a joke? You haven’t even talked for me, except for a couple references to Fight Club. Especially when you know that I’m your girlfriend’s best friend.

Tyler: Ehh… Nothing truly aimed at you. And Umm that doesn’t matter. Or i hope doesn’t matter.

Me: It doesn’t matter. I want to know what you said. It does matter, I just want to know how pissed I should be, or if I should ask Liz. You know what? I’m going to ask Liz anyway because at least her text messages are grammatically correct. Besides, if it wasn’t aimed at me you wouldn’t feel the need to apologize. And the only reason you feel the need to apologize in the first place is because you think she’s going to find out, I’m assuming. Otherwise, I never would’ve known.

Tyler: Why you make this hard. Let me get home first. All i can remember is retard…

Me: It’s okay. You didn’t have to apologize and I respect the fact that you did. Wow, okay. If anyone has any sort of mental deficiency it’s you. You can’t even grasp basic spelling or grammar rules from the first grade. Don’t tell me that I’m making this hard for you. The only reason I’m not ripping you to shreds right now is out of respect for my best friend. 

Tyler: Well still you’re katies best friend, can’t have you hating me.

Me: Of course not. Just because you’re my best friend’s boyfriend doesn’t mean that I’m not going to hate you if I think you deserve it. I think you’re an asshole. She is the most amazing person I’ve ever known for a million different reasons, and she deserves the best, which, might I add, is way better than the likes of you. I don’t know what you did to get her attention and let alone make her love you, but I think you’re a below average guy reaching for an above average girl, and you’ll never get someone better than her. I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you either, whether it be for her or just in general.

Tyler: Did i upset you?

Me: I don’t hate you, if that’s what you mean. You are a bastard covered bastard with bastard filling. 

But really, Lizzie, I’m not super pissed or anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m mad, but not because of anything he said about me. He can say whatever he wants about me. He’s never met me, never bothered to have a legitimate conversation with me, and I don’t really care about his opinion of me. I just don’t like him. This really just reestablished my reasons as for why I don’t think he’s good enough to be with you. I don’t want you guys to fight, though. I know you’ve been having issues lately, and I really don’t want to add to that or anything. Alright?

Do You Know What I’m Seeing? -Panic! at the Disco

What does it mean to be “institutionalized,” both in terms of the connotation and denotation of the word? What does the establishment of an institution mean to a system? How does the act of codifying (look it up!) a system - into an institution - both lend it stability and leave it vulnerable to abuse? What responsibility do the individuals inside the institution have to it?

I honestly don’t know what any of that means. I wrote like, one bullshit paragraph. It doesn’t even equal one page double-spaced, and this essay needs to be three. None of this makes sense to me.

Fuck.

I’m just going to push this aside and work on my portfolio now. Because at least that makes sense.

• Stares at list of work I have to do.
• Makes tea.
• Stares more.
• Checks Facebook.
• Scrolls down dashboard. 
• Makes juice.
• Stares.
• Checks for fanfic updates.
• Stares more.
• Goes for a walk.
• Comes home.
• Does yoga.
• Stares more at work I have to do.
• Checks Facebook again.
• Scrolls down Tumblr dashboard.
• Makes more tea. 
• Paints nails.
• Stares at list of work.
• Opens Word document, stare at it for 20 minutes.
• Decides to do work later.
• Goes to make more tea. 

• I’ve been super dysfunctional lately. Going back into old bad habits, getting over emotional with Jude for literally no reason, etc. I don’t know why.
• I hate Liz’s boyfriend. I think he is stupid and unworthy of her awesome. A rock would be a better boyfriend than him, Liz. A rock. Come on.
• I’m starting to work out what I want to do with my life, which is fantastic because my school won’t let you graduate without a college acceptance letter. It’s not definite yet, but it’s much more than, “I’m just going to take a year off and get a job and try to figure things out.” So that’s good.
• Spring break is almost over, and I still haven’t done any of my portfolio work, essays, papers, revisions, make-up work, or read Animal Farm. I am a colossal fail.
• I’ve been reading Harry Potter with Jude. He and I have been really working on our communication skills lately, and it’s really showing off. Also, he’s honestly the second most amazing person I’ve ever met, the first being my best friend (of course). He’s just a beautiful person, and I’m so in love with him it’s ridiculous.
• My mom and I are moving next Thursday to an apartment near my school. I’m excited that we’ll be on our own again. I’ll be able to play guitar and talk to myself and walk around naked as much as I want. Also, I’ll be getting a cat soon. 
• As of right now, as far as I know I am passing all of my classes with at least a 2.6, which averages out to at least a B. This is the best I’ve done all year, and I am extremely happy.
• I might be going back to New York in the beginning of April, which would mean seeing my Lizzie. That would be amazing because I literally miss her more than anybody else, ever. 
• Jude told me it was important to him for me to get to know his best friend, and for her to get to know me. We’re friends on Facebook, and we’ve messaged each other a few times. I’ve always been a little threatened by her, despite the fact that I’ve known him for almost three years now, and we’re super close. I trust him, though, and I honestly don’t think there’s anything going on between them.
• I’ve realized that my crush on Devyn is only because I’m afraid he’s going to leave. I feel like I need a back up in case he’s not around anymore, and I’ve been focusing on setting up a relationship with her when I’m heavily involved with Jude. It’s wrong, and I’ve been feeling really guilty about it. Devyn is beautiful, and funny, and if I weren’t with Jude I would totally be all over her. But I am with him, and I can’t be letting my fear of loosing him make me do something terrible. I don’t need to fill the empty space he left like I did with Jordan. He’s right here. I just need to remember that.
• Speaking of Jordan, I’ve been weirdly interested in her lately. Looking at her Tumblr, old pictures of her that I have, etc. I’m not going to make the mistake of contacting her again. Just because we gave up our lesbian virginities to each other doesn’t mean we owe each other any sort of friendship. Plus, she was a huge jerk to me for rejecting her before. I don’t need her clinging all over me and complicating my life.

Aaaaand, that’s pretty much it. C:

My moms like nagging me to get out of bed so we can go get our nails done

Um it’s saturday and not the afternoon yet, I don’t bother waking up

Today is good.

He says when I get home he’s gonna make me erupt

This day will be slow as fuck

Jude’s mad at me because I’m doing this detoxing diet. I’ve been sick and my anxiety has been so bad that I’m having panic attacks and breaking out in hives, and I just want to be healthy. He stopped talking to me when I said I was going to do it, even though I explained to him what it was and that it was safe and everything. He says he doesn’t trust me. 

And he just posted on his blog about being in love with some guy. Which he knows makes me feel awful, but that doesn’t matter to him. 

This is great. Awesome night. 

Devyn’s coming over tomorrow. She’s gonna stay the night. C: 

We’re gonna talk and do fun things and probably watch Glee. 

There’s not much better than spending the night hanging out with a pretty girl. 

I’m excited.